Friday, January 14, 2005

Sphincter Control

I will usually enjoy popping into a lift that a woman has vacated because it will be perfumed. Not always but mostly. I had the misfortune of taking a lift the other day that two male courier types had vacated. The odour was less than pleasing. You may be wondering what this has to do with sphincter control. Well I'm glad you asked.

I was just outside having a ciggie when I noticed a fellow smoker make that movement we all know. A slight raising of one buttock, a slight lack of facial control followed by lowering of said buttock. We all know this means they farted, delicately of course, and with just enough sphincter control to prevent anything less desirable occurring.

Now it came to my mind that in lifts and buses there was no way of knowing when a patron farts except by the usual olfactory method. Sadly, when you gotta fart you gotta fart; and this is OK in private moments. My eldest son (8) has not yet defined the "private moment" and is quite at leisure to fart when and where he pleases. In fact he performed quite a beauty last night on the lounge that had us all in stitches.

Anyway I digress. I wondered what would society be like if, when you exercised that sphincter at the back, your forehead turned some brazen colour. Certainly public places, like lifts and buses, would be safer. Can you imagine farting in a full lift if your forehead turned peuce on completion! You would, I imagine, get a reputation.

Thursday, January 13, 2005

Oddly Enough

I haven't been trying to lose weight however it appears I have. I feel lighter. My wife gave me a nice pair of shorts for Christmas with the size based on what I would normally take but I could take them off without undoing the waist. Cool. That hasn't happened in some time. My work trousers feel like they could fall down if I wasn't wearing a belt. Embarrassing. That hasn't happened in some time either.

So without trying to lose weight I seem to have lost some from around my waist but the oddest thing is that I also seem to have lost weight from my feet! ?? My lovely German "echtes leder" slip on shoes that I bought ten years ago especially for my wedding, and did not subsequently wear again for another eight years, are starting to feel loose on my feet. They were comfortable and are now loose. I shall have to get thicker socks!

Tuesday, January 04, 2005

Twenty Oh Five

Please accept the usual felicitations for the New Year. I hope you are all still there; and that none of you seriously resolved to quit blogging, or reading blogs. I tried to stay up but fell asleep about 11pm; still I was the last one standing as it were. That day (new year's eve) I had driven for six hours to Tamworth where my brother lives. The last hour was spent with a couple of ferals in't back seat. They had gone pretty well up until then. We had a couple of days there and then came back. My brother has a small farm, a wife and three boys. When we get there our boys virtually disappear for the duration. We see them at meals and bed time but otherwise they are gone and don't want to know us. They are full of their cousins and the things you can get up to in the bush. Bliss.