Friday, January 14, 2005

Sphincter Control

I will usually enjoy popping into a lift that a woman has vacated because it will be perfumed. Not always but mostly. I had the misfortune of taking a lift the other day that two male courier types had vacated. The odour was less than pleasing. You may be wondering what this has to do with sphincter control. Well I'm glad you asked.

I was just outside having a ciggie when I noticed a fellow smoker make that movement we all know. A slight raising of one buttock, a slight lack of facial control followed by lowering of said buttock. We all know this means they farted, delicately of course, and with just enough sphincter control to prevent anything less desirable occurring.

Now it came to my mind that in lifts and buses there was no way of knowing when a patron farts except by the usual olfactory method. Sadly, when you gotta fart you gotta fart; and this is OK in private moments. My eldest son (8) has not yet defined the "private moment" and is quite at leisure to fart when and where he pleases. In fact he performed quite a beauty last night on the lounge that had us all in stitches.

Anyway I digress. I wondered what would society be like if, when you exercised that sphincter at the back, your forehead turned some brazen colour. Certainly public places, like lifts and buses, would be safer. Can you imagine farting in a full lift if your forehead turned peuce on completion! You would, I imagine, get a reputation.


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